|Posted by Szayel on April 1, 2016 at 11:10 PM||comments (13)|
I P-shifted earlier this week. Usually, I would have jumped on here immediately due to the excitement of accomplishing another P-shift, (And I did it without ripping anyone's throat open. Yay.) but for some reason I didn't. I was excited, yes, but the shift also came with something unexpected. It came with weight. The weight of knowledge, I guess. Or, more specifically, the weight of OK, so now what do I do? Shifting was supposed to be the endgame. The accomplishment. Not the next footstep in an endlessly spiraling maze known as being a werewolf. So I managed a P-shift. Now what?
I guess I should go back to the actual shift itself. I was running. It was around 10 o’-clock in the morning. A bright day outside. There's a trail nearby my neighborhood that goes on for miles. Sometimes I go there at night and look up at the stars. That morning I was running though.
I was doing kind of a shitty job at it, too. Running, I mean. I hate running. It's not that I find it hard. It's just so boring to me. Unless I can listen to music while I run, I prefer to do anything else. But there is this 5-K run that's coming up in about a week, so I figured if I was going to get active again, I might as well start by running. So that's what I did.
I was running along the trail in the morning trying to improve my endurance. It was my second run since I started, and even though I felt like I was doing a shitty job, I knew that I had improved. I was running 6 miles (for some reason I had assumed that Kilometers were longer than miles) straight. I had my phone in my hand blasting out music because my fucking earbuds wouldn't stay in. I was on my way back home, struggling to keep my pace. I had just crossed a bridge that went over some train tracks, and as I descended down I was obscured by the trees around me. I was doing my best to maintain my pace, but I could barely breathe. My sweatpants were a little too big for me, and they kept sliding down, which was making it even harder to keep going. I was annoyed as I kept pulling them up, and it would throw my rhythm off. At that point, I just wanted to stop. I was going to hit the ground at any second, but I told myself that I would pushing myself until the next telephone pole and then walk the rest of the way home; it wasn't too far, about 30 yards away. I could manage just that.
I closed my eyes and focused on everything except my body. I could feel the air currents meshing, clashing, and circulating around me. I could smell the cherry blossoms and hear the crunch of car tires half a mile behind me. The world was alive, brimming with energy and power, and as my music played I felt something awaken deep within me.
I opened my eyes, running faster than I've ever run before. My pants had started to slip again, but I didn't care. I was beyond them—beyond all clothes. My shirt seemed to morph away from me as I increased in speed. I snarled, roared, and I felt my teeth getting sharp. My fingernails were rough. There was a brief, stabbing pain as one of my big toe pressed against the inside of my shoe. I couldn't see my eyes, but I knew they had to be a different color. A darker brown, perhaps.
I felt my body bending forward, steadily changing from a humanoid figure to that of a full-blown wolf. But before I could complete the shift, I stopped. I don’t know why. My speed decreased; my teeth retracted; my face relaxed. I slowed down. I immediately dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing heavily, as I waited for my heart to implode. To my surprise, I was only tired for only a second. It passed quickly, and I got up ready to start running again.
So I did. I was in complete shock. Only moments before my shift, I had been ready to die from exhaustion. How could I shift, run even faster than I'm able to when I'm not tired, and still not feel tired at all? There was a slight burning in my core like I had run half a mile instead of four. Other than that though, I felt fine. Some part of me deep down felt like I had tapped into that primal energy that warriors long before me had. The same energy that allowed them to rip beasts apart with their bare hands, bully Nature herself into submission, merge into the darkness, and petrify prey with just a glance. I felt invincible.
The excitement of it all was so overwhelming that the only thing I could think of was, "Text Arcover." I stopped jogging, texted her, and we talked about it for a little bit. When I finally started to calm down, a heavy weight settled in. I had shifted, but... what was next?
I started to get worried. My first thought was if someone had seen me. I looked around, even though I knew that I was alone and no one could have seen me. It was a relief until I realized that because no one had seen me I had no proof to back up my claim. I had shifted without recording myself or having an eyewitness to back it up. How was that an accomplishment?
And as I sit here now typing all this out, that weight still feels the same. I'm rubbing my temples, trying to figure out how to explain this. I guess what I mean to say is that being a werewolf is difficult. I can't tell other people who aren't "in" on all the supernatural stuff that I'm a werewolf. It's amazing how out of all the things people can believe in werewolves almost always invoke an attitude of skepticism. I can't say that I blame them, to be honest, but that doesn't make anything easier. When I tell people that I'm a werewolf the biggest question that comes to mind is, "So can you shift? Can you turn into a wolf or a monster?"
Yes. Yes I can. I know that for a fact. I just can't prove it—yet. But now that I've shifted for my 3rd (?) time, the bar is higher. I should have evidence, proof, or something on proving my P-shift, but it's just not that simple. Just because I've done it doesn't mean I have all the answers. And even if I did have all the answers, that doesn't mean I want to share them (even if I'm obligated to). Shifting is a vital part of being a werewolf, but the reason for that is because it's such an intimate and individual process.
When people ask me to prove that I'm a werewolf by shifting, I want to do that. It would make things so much easier. Yet, at the same time there’s this nature within me that sneers at the thought of me trying to appease to humans. Yes, I said that right. Humans. Because at the end of the day whether you believe me or not doesn’t change what I am. I am a werewolf. Why the fuck would I be concerned with what you think? I’m capable of things that would shatter your world. You are too—if you would open your eyes a little. That’s the truth.
And with that said, I’m brought back to my original thought: what’s next? I don’t know. They say that knowledge is power, but knowledge without the answers you seek is just weight. Right now I’m carrying weight, hoping that I somehow find what I’m looking for as a werewolf and a person, but there is no quick fix. I’ll continue to try and shift. I’ll try to provide proof while I’m at it. But I won’t guarantee anything. I could share nothing if I really feel like it. It’s my decision.
|Posted by Szayel on October 11, 2015 at 12:15 AM||comments (6)|
I hold a trash bag in my left hand. In my right is a garden tool for cutting weeds. I pause for a second, wiping the sweat from my forehead. It's well into dusk, and looking up a tree towers before me. It's covered with English Ivy vines that constrict it, thriving off its slow, painful demise. Scars run up the tree like lashes from a whip.
I put my headphones back on. Sounds pass through my ears, a variety of tempos, rhythms, and genres. Emotion fuels me. It reminds me to focus on the task at hand--cutting the vines--but it makes trying to avoid the thoughts that pester my mind much more difficult.
I cut, cut, cut. The vines are difficult. They refuse to leave the tree without a fight, tearing the bark off spitefully whenever I try to pry them away. They sneer at my futile attempts to do good. They laugh.
It's so hard.
Negative thoughts overcome me. They threaten to swallow me whole, and I can't help but let a moan of despair escape my lips. There's a physical pain that beats in my chest. It's real, tangible. It grabs me and forces me to my knees where I crumble and stare at the base of the tree. Ants march past, pausing now and then to watch my suffering with slight concern. Spiders rear back warily. The sun continues to fade into a deep, crimson red. Life goes on.
"What's the point?" I think. "Why am I here? Why am I trying to save this dumb tree?"
It seems impossible to me. There are English Ivies all over the state. I'm one out of the small group of people that volunteer temporarily to cut away this invasive species. I don't feel that we are absolved of the responsibility to clear the vines; settlers brought them over from England when they first came Maryland. I just feel that it's pointless. The vines will never be gone. There's too many of them and not enough of us. Why fight? Why care? Do our efforts even matter?
The vines play dirty. They strip the trees of their bark when pulled away; they sap you of your strength and leave hideous scars in the process. With each tree that I save I'm reminded of the dozens that I didn't. Or, with each tree that I think I save there's always the possibility that I didn't save shit and my efforts were useless.
"Why live?" I think. The thought comes from nowhere but somehow doesn't surprise me in the least. Of course it wouldn't take long for my nihilistic mood to tumble my thoughts about these damn weeds into a question of life and living. The question had never been far from my mind, I suppose.
"Why live?" It's not an easy question to answer. My immediate response is to say, "because I'm here! I'm existing. We're existing! Isn't that enough?"
It's not. Otherwise, I wouldn't be having these thoughts, now would I?
|Posted by Szayel on September 13, 2014 at 10:55 PM||comments (17)|
As usual, I haven't wrote a new blog entry in forever. I've been going through some tough stuff lately, and when you couple that with AP courses it's hard to take what I want to say and gather the time to put it all into a blog.
But I'm here now, and I'm writing, so let's just jump into it. The first thing I want to address is the whole new controversy on a "shifting age." People have been going around claiming that there is a certain age a person has to be before he/she can handle the "toll" of shifting, and it's got a lot of people worried that they're going to die if they attempt to shift too early.
I would like to say here and now that nobody is going to die from attempting to shift at a young age. I just turned 17, and I've already shifted several times in my life without dying. Does that mean that shifting comes without risks? Of course not. All of my shifts were pretty dangerous and unstable, so in that sense I guess there is the possibility of death. I wouldn't say that shifting too young is going to kill you though; shifting is what weres are meant to do, and the earlier it's started the better. Putting senseless fear into younger weres doesn't help anybody.
The next thing I would like to address is less factual and more courtesy-wise. A lot of people new to the supernatural community tend to ask werewolves or even vampires if we would turn them. While I understand that not being human anymore seems alluring (and let's be honest, it is. There's a reason the superantural is called the supernatural), constantly pestering us with demands to be turned gets annoying. From our perspective, why would we travel across the country to bite some (most likely) underage stranger? If you really want to meet a werewolf or vampire for that kind of purpose, you're going to have to shut off your computer and do some late night treking. I'm not liable for whatever happens, but as a werewolf myself I can gaurantee you that you'll make the most progress finding someone to bite you offline. I'm a creature of the night. And if you're lucky enough-- or unlucky-- maybe we'll cross paths. Stop expecting everything to be laid in your lap via the courtesy of the internet.
The last thing I'm going to mention is actually directed towards weres. It's pretty simple: stop limiting yourselves. Instead of always asking questions, just go out and try to shift more. If something hinders your shifting then just take note of it and experiment. Stop expecting every other werewolf to have answers for something that should already be deeply personal. I see a lot of people trying to push these limitations such as the previously mention "shifting age" and other things such as how big a shifter can get. It's almost pointless. Shifting already defies science, so when it comes to progressing at it, why limit yourself? I think this problem actually stems from werewolf communities. If you have, let's say 50 people who have shifted using only a specific method of shifting and that's all they know, then of course it's going to seem like that's the only sure-fire way to shift.
But think of it this way. Let's say there are a million shifters on the world (bear with me). If only 50 of them shift a certain way, is that really the defining method for shifting? Of course not. It just seems like it because the werewolf community is so.... fragmented. That's why when people ask me things about werewolfism now I kinda hesitate before responding. Granted, certain things about werewolfism are pretty black and white, but like I said there's simply so much that isn't known. Before you sit back and call someone a poser, think about that.
Anyway's, that's it. I hope this helped.
|Posted by Szayel on March 30, 2014 at 12:20 PM||comments (9)|
It's been a while since I wrote on this site. To be honest, it's been a while since I've been "active" on this site in general. I hope no one takes it that I don't care or that I've given up, as I just get really busy. I'm starting to do more journalism, and that combined with my school schedule leaves me with just enough time to take a shower every night. (And sometimes I don't even get that. Yeah, it's that bad...)
One of the reasons why I can be absent though is because I can trust that everyone won't go ape-shit every time I step out to get a breather. I'm not saying that this site has a buddy-buddy community where everyone is holding hands and singing the theme song to Attack on Titan (Because, whatever), and this site has had its drama moments, but for the most part you're all pretty cool. It's one of the benefits of having a non-hierarchy site, IMO, as everyone has an equal opinion and can speak their mind. I love discussion that can be done with total respect.
Now to talk about why I was absent:
Sorry, I was planning for it to be more dramatic than that. Maybe a, "Szayel was out gathering info on a new clan of werewolf hunters while creating a draft for his next movie." That would be nice. Then I could legitimately have an excuse for my absence(s).
In truth, the most dramatic thing that happened to me was that I got sick with strep. Which is funny because I had totally forgot that yes, I, Szayel, can indeed get sick. The last time I got this sick was when I was a young kid, and ironically it was from the same thing. I don't remember it being such a pain in the ass though...
The pain pills didn't work, so unless I was dumping them by the bottle, I got to enjoy first hand what a bunch of small-mouthed little shits called "bacteria" can do to your tonsils. Fuck you bacteria.
After I recovered from being sick, one interesting thing that happened was that I seemed to move to a new "phase" in my werwolfism; this is another reason why I have been absent lately.
I'm at the point now, where I completely accept, if not mostly understand my werewolfism. It's like, I have my usual depressing feelings about being isolated from the people around me because of what--who-- I am, but I am no longer affected by them.
In fact, it's sort of comforting. With clarity comes confidence. I don't feel like I "need" to go out and find other werewolves to relate to. If every werewolf died except for a special few ( ) I honestly wouldn't be too devastated. It would be like, "Eh, at least I still have Chipotle."
Which I guess is wrong... but it's honest. I've moved from isolation to self-awareness. Maybe even instinct.
|Posted by Szayel on January 4, 2014 at 9:25 PM||comments (19)|
I was talking to Arcover last night, and one topic that we came across was relationship between the Therian community and the term "werewolf." We talked about it pretty briefly, but we both agreed that werewolves and Therians are not the same. Since I have some spare time, I figured now would be a great time to really delve into the topic of werewolves and Therians, especially since the Teen Wolf poser rush will happen any day now.
For one, Therians and werewolves are not the same thing. At all. Therians are regular humans (I hate using the term human because it makes me sound like an elitist snob, but whatever) that are spiritually connected to an animal. Now because the phrase "an animal" can refer to any animal, it is definitely possible for Wolf Therians to exist-- but even then they are not real werewolves. Because they are only spiritually connected to their animal, they cannot P-shift (Physical shift) like weres can.
Now some Therians might say, "Well, we're the closest things to werewolves or were-creatures in reality, so we might as well be called the same thing!" My response to that? Get over yourselves. I know this might ruffle up a couple of feathers on the Therian community, but I think it's more insulting to actual weres when Therians try to claim that were-creatures aren't real and that they should be considered weres instead. Just because you're complacent with your own self-limits and and shifting system doesn't mean that it is the same thing for everyone else. Werewolves/were-creatures aren't just regular people with animalistic connections; we are literally part animal. We have physical attributes that make us what we are, unlike Therians, and we also have a huge amount of raw Energy that we can store and use (even if it takes difficulty in doing so). Some Therians also try to say that P-shifting (Physical) is impossible, which is perfectly true.
For Therians. Again, werewolves and Therians are simply not on the same level. A Therian cannot shift because a Therian is just an average human with an animal spirit. That may be hard to hear for some people, but that's just how it is. Arcover once said somewhere that Therians and werewolves are treading totally different paths from each other, which is extremely precise. I do believe that some Therians may have a tiny amount of were genes in their body, and we may have once be very similar in the distant past, (as shown in my Werewolf Three Theory blog) but not enough for them to be distinguised as a true were-creature.
Unfortunately, many werewolves tend to get bogged down in the Therian community, and I think that is why the werewolf community is how it is now. Being a werewolf is hard enough, and when you have dozens of people online saying that what you are is impossible, it becomes really easy to accept their claims. Werewolves who may have just discovered themselves are pushed away from even attempting to progress, and they are tricked into believing something they are not. It's pretty depressing, but that's why I am here. My job is to educate people on werewolves so that eventually these misconceptions can be put to rest. It's a long hill to climb, but I'm willing to do it.
P.S: If you have any questions or comments, please post them below! I can use your input to update the blog if need be.
|Posted by Szayel on November 5, 2013 at 3:45 PM||comments (18)|
Sorry about my recent absences on this site. Sometimes I get really busy, and communicating with others in general is difficult. I will be more active.
During these past couple of days, weeks maybe, I have begun to realize something extremely important about P-shifting or shifting in general. This realization was unearthed during a conversation with Arcover, but now that I think about it--anytime I think about it-- my intuition screams at me that this is something I have not only known this entire time but is also the stepping stone to many of my questions.
It is the key to P-shifting.
Now I know that some of you are thinking, "How can you base this off of your intuition? Isn't that against what this site is about?" It is true that I'm basing this off of intuition, and that isn't exactly a foundamental science, but I know deep down that this feeling is something important. It is the same feeling that makes my fingers tremble with excitement even as I type out this blog post. If I were to be so bold, I could compare this feeling to that of Alexander Flemming when he discovered the key to what we now know of as penicillin. That feeling of, "Wait, maybe I should investigate this little further; it could be important" gut feeling.
This feeling that I have, it's because I think there is another, much more effiecient, way to shifting. Before, my only two ways to P-shifting were meditation and extreme emotions such as anger, sorrow, or even vibrant happiness. The meditation route, as seen by my somewhat popular "Shifting Trials," was a safe, productive way to the path of shifting, but unfortunately it reaped little results. Whenever I tried to shift through meditation, it just felt like I couldn't gather enough focus nor Energy. It felt like I wasn't making progress as quickly as I would like, and eventually I abandoned the trials while I soul-searched for a better method.
The only other method I knew at the time, however, was the second one: extreme emotion. That way of shifting was almost guaranteed to get me the results I wanted, but the process was so hard to replicate that I really couldn't put it on camera even if I wanted to. Those moments were the most pathetic, gut-wretching moments of my life. I didn't want to replicate that for the whole world to see.
That left me with no options. I couldn't use extreme emotions, nor could I use meditation. So what happens then?
I explore the woods surrounding my new neighborhood with my younger brother. Almost every day of the summer, we spend our time venturing off into a part of the area that was unknown to us until we were satisfied with the knowledge that we had explored every inch of it. During those many voyages, my brother and I came across various wildlife. The wildlife that stuck out at me, though, was the deer. Almost like an itch in my head, I couldn't figure out why I was so annoyed with the deer. My brother and I would sometimes chase them, but after the chase came to a end I would always feel the same:
"Where are their predators?"
It's an odd question to think about, much more to write, but nontheless it kept popping into my head. I realized that the reason I was so bothered, obssessed maybe, about the deer was because my predatoral instincts as a werewolf kicked in. I wasn't chasing these deer for fun, I was chasing them because I wanted to catch them. I wanted to hunt them.
No, I'm not talking about hunting them as in "Game and rifle," but as in a true, 1 vs 1 game of combat. I wanted to get some of my favorite premodern combat weapons (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_premodern_combat_weapons) and engage the dear. If they could beat me, they won--lived--and if I beat them then they lost--died. Nothing personal about it, just rugged, harsh fact.
I realized that this feeling brought me closer to shifting than almost all the other methods I had ever tried before. Just the thought of it was enough to send me spiralling into a delicious M-shift.
And it still does. I have discovered the third way to P-shift, and probably the most effective way, hence me calling it the "key." In order for me to unlock my shifting abilities, I need to engage myself against wildlife prey and hunt them. Trying to sit down on the floor criss-cross-applesauce is not going to get me to shift, this is. That is probably why the second method of shifting, extreme emotions, allows me to shift so easily because it stems from the emotional high of pursuing your prey. Maybe in the future I'll be able to sit down and shift through meditation, but I know that right now I simply do not have that ability. I have come to terms with my werewolfism mentally; now I need to come to terms with it physically. I may not be able to put it into a pretty little box perfect for analyzing and observing just yet, but I know deep down that I must take this leap of faith in order to get to that point of putting werewolfism into an objective light.
That's all that I have to say so far about my recent relevation. I'm sorry for not cutting to the chase sooner in my blog, but I felt like I needed to really paint my feelings on this one. This new way of shifting excites me, and I can't wait to share with all of you my progress.
|Posted by Szayel on October 11, 2013 at 5:30 PM||comments (1)|
My family really wasn't slain by a werewolf pack, but I know that many of you must think that I have some kind of deep-seated grudge against werewolf packs. Maybe I wanted to be in one, and I got roughly declined. Maybe I wanted my own and could never manage the time. Mabye they just stole my favorite Beyblade when I was a kid, and I never got over it.
I will assure you that this is not the case. While I do have a sort of Harrison Bergeron campaign going on against werewolf packs on this site, it is not for any personal reasons. I promise. The reason why I am so against the talk of packs is because, well, people advertise their packs. In my honest opinion, packs should not be a thing that should be shown off across the interwebs as some sort of supernatural-trophy. Not only is it insulting to people who are actually dedicated to their packs, it is also counterproductive to the whole idea of a "pack." Do you see wolves going around flashing off their pack status to as many other wolves as they can? Do they come back from a nice hunt and howl, "Lol, look at us we have so many pack members!!!11! Beware other packs! We're taking ur moose!"
Of course not. So why does it seem like every Sally and John has a werewolf pack that they just can't wait to show off? Werewolf packs are meant to be a family, and while I don't know about you, I'm rather reluctant to have an obnoxiously large family-- I can barely stand them as it is already sometimes.
Which brings me to another point: What happened to those popular internet packs that everyone was so fond of to join?
I'm talking about sites like Razgriz. Last I heard, it crashed and burned because of stupid internet drama and is currently recuperating from the plague we know as posers. That just goes to show that internet packs are NOT good for legit, progressive werewolf sites. They tend to create unnecessary drama and take away from the focus at hand. I refuse to let my site end up like that.
Now that I have finished explaining why I don't allow packs on this site (bar a specified forum discussion) I would like to talk about some other stuff that has been on my mind. I have decided to start up with my werewolf research, and I am going to put together another werewolf survey. I really dislike doing surveys because they are statistic based, and we all know what they say about statistics (80% of statistics say that statistics are worthless) since a topic like werewolves is kinda hard to put in survey format, but It's not like I have any other options at the moment, and I'm not going to sit here and dwindle my thumbs while I wait for more concrete information. Progress is progress.
And with this, I end my first true blog in a while.
|Posted by Szayel on September 17, 2013 at 3:45 PM||comments (7)|
I recently was asked the question of if I had "given" up werewolfism. I was kinda shocked at first, because to me that is an absurd notion--that I, Szayel, could give up being a werewolf. But as I thought more and more about it, I couldn't blame the person for asking me that question. While I think about being a werewolf and just usual werewolf stuff everyday, I often don't voice my thoughts as much as I used to. I guess the reason why is because I feel like many people just don't get it; they're posers; they're not mature enough to comprehend what I'm saying, etc. There are other reasons too, but those are the main ones.
That being said, I'm not EVER "giving up" my werewolfism or my quest to further common knowledge about werewolves and the supernatural. I know that some people tend to fall into the trap of, "Oh, I'm just going to ignore my werewolf side and basically pretend to be human," but that isn't something that I can personally can do. Like I said earlier, I think--feel--my werewolf heritage in me everyday. It is apart of who I am, and though I may be getting more comfortable with the thought of it, I still have much more to discover. Sometimes I just get busy, and I am not able to get on here as much as I would like, but I still keep a watchful eye over what happens.
Now on to my next thought. I think I intimidate others. I know that sounds kinda stupid to say; I'm a werewolf, so why wouldn't I intimidate others? But I feel like there is something more to it. Like, it's as if people see something in me, and they know that underneath this extremely complex person is something even more complex and confounding.
I can't put my finger on the reason why I come off like this, but I think it is important to who I am as a person and werewolf. Many things are moving into place right now, and I guess I just need some time to reflect on them. I'm past the years of 6th grade drama, where everything about the supernatural seemed like a revelation.
Anyway... that's it for now. Hopefully I can come back to this and elucidate what I mean.
|Posted by Szayel on June 18, 2013 at 11:00 PM||comments (13)|
"Okay, first things first. There's a pack out there who some of you may have heard of, hopefully not.
They call themselves the Pure Ones, the only "Pure Werewolves." About a year ago I was admitted into the pack and then cast out two months after because they said "I wasn't like them." Beware of this pack, I warn all of you. They overpower other packs and set things "the right way." DO NOT LISTEN!!!!!!!! THEY ALMOST KILLED MY MATE, WHO IS ONLY ALMOST 14 BECAUSE HE IS A CROSSBREED! Listen now as I tell you NOT to believe their lies and stories of a new "pure" era. Fight against it. They almost killed my David, and why will they stop there?!?!?!? There is no faking here, my friends. Say what you will but remember this; they are out there and they will kill ANYONE." (Original text)