|Posted by Szayel on April 1, 2016 at 11:10 PM|
I P-shifted earlier this week. Usually, I would have jumped on here immediately due to the excitement of accomplishing another P-shift, (And I did it without ripping anyone's throat open. Yay.) but for some reason I didn't. I was excited, yes, but the shift also came with something unexpected. It came with weight. The weight of knowledge, I guess. Or, more specifically, the weight of OK, so now what do I do? Shifting was supposed to be the endgame. The accomplishment. Not the next footstep in an endlessly spiraling maze known as being a werewolf. So I managed a P-shift. Now what?
I guess I should go back to the actual shift itself. I was running. It was around 10 o’-clock in the morning. A bright day outside. There's a trail nearby my neighborhood that goes on for miles. Sometimes I go there at night and look up at the stars. That morning I was running though.
I was doing kind of a shitty job at it, too. Running, I mean. I hate running. It's not that I find it hard. It's just so boring to me. Unless I can listen to music while I run, I prefer to do anything else. But there is this 5-K run that's coming up in about a week, so I figured if I was going to get active again, I might as well start by running. So that's what I did.
I was running along the trail in the morning trying to improve my endurance. It was my second run since I started, and even though I felt like I was doing a shitty job, I knew that I had improved. I was running 6 miles (for some reason I had assumed that Kilometers were longer than miles) straight. I had my phone in my hand blasting out music because my fucking earbuds wouldn't stay in. I was on my way back home, struggling to keep my pace. I had just crossed a bridge that went over some train tracks, and as I descended down I was obscured by the trees around me. I was doing my best to maintain my pace, but I could barely breathe. My sweatpants were a little too big for me, and they kept sliding down, which was making it even harder to keep going. I was annoyed as I kept pulling them up, and it would throw my rhythm off. At that point, I just wanted to stop. I was going to hit the ground at any second, but I told myself that I would pushing myself until the next telephone pole and then walk the rest of the way home; it wasn't too far, about 30 yards away. I could manage just that.
I closed my eyes and focused on everything except my body. I could feel the air currents meshing, clashing, and circulating around me. I could smell the cherry blossoms and hear the crunch of car tires half a mile behind me. The world was alive, brimming with energy and power, and as my music played I felt something awaken deep within me.
I opened my eyes, running faster than I've ever run before. My pants had started to slip again, but I didn't care. I was beyond them—beyond all clothes. My shirt seemed to morph away from me as I increased in speed. I snarled, roared, and I felt my teeth getting sharp. My fingernails were rough. There was a brief, stabbing pain as one of my big toe pressed against the inside of my shoe. I couldn't see my eyes, but I knew they had to be a different color. A darker brown, perhaps.
I felt my body bending forward, steadily changing from a humanoid figure to that of a full-blown wolf. But before I could complete the shift, I stopped. I don’t know why. My speed decreased; my teeth retracted; my face relaxed. I slowed down. I immediately dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing heavily, as I waited for my heart to implode. To my surprise, I was only tired for only a second. It passed quickly, and I got up ready to start running again.
So I did. I was in complete shock. Only moments before my shift, I had been ready to die from exhaustion. How could I shift, run even faster than I'm able to when I'm not tired, and still not feel tired at all? There was a slight burning in my core like I had run half a mile instead of four. Other than that though, I felt fine. Some part of me deep down felt like I had tapped into that primal energy that warriors long before me had. The same energy that allowed them to rip beasts apart with their bare hands, bully Nature herself into submission, merge into the darkness, and petrify prey with just a glance. I felt invincible.
The excitement of it all was so overwhelming that the only thing I could think of was, "Text Arcover." I stopped jogging, texted her, and we talked about it for a little bit. When I finally started to calm down, a heavy weight settled in. I had shifted, but... what was next?
I started to get worried. My first thought was if someone had seen me. I looked around, even though I knew that I was alone and no one could have seen me. It was a relief until I realized that because no one had seen me I had no proof to back up my claim. I had shifted without recording myself or having an eyewitness to back it up. How was that an accomplishment?
And as I sit here now typing all this out, that weight still feels the same. I'm rubbing my temples, trying to figure out how to explain this. I guess what I mean to say is that being a werewolf is difficult. I can't tell other people who aren't "in" on all the supernatural stuff that I'm a werewolf. It's amazing how out of all the things people can believe in werewolves almost always invoke an attitude of skepticism. I can't say that I blame them, to be honest, but that doesn't make anything easier. When I tell people that I'm a werewolf the biggest question that comes to mind is, "So can you shift? Can you turn into a wolf or a monster?"
Yes. Yes I can. I know that for a fact. I just can't prove it—yet. But now that I've shifted for my 3rd (?) time, the bar is higher. I should have evidence, proof, or something on proving my P-shift, but it's just not that simple. Just because I've done it doesn't mean I have all the answers. And even if I did have all the answers, that doesn't mean I want to share them (even if I'm obligated to). Shifting is a vital part of being a werewolf, but the reason for that is because it's such an intimate and individual process.
When people ask me to prove that I'm a werewolf by shifting, I want to do that. It would make things so much easier. Yet, at the same time there’s this nature within me that sneers at the thought of me trying to appease to humans. Yes, I said that right. Humans. Because at the end of the day whether you believe me or not doesn’t change what I am. I am a werewolf. Why the fuck would I be concerned with what you think? I’m capable of things that would shatter your world. You are too—if you would open your eyes a little. That’s the truth.
And with that said, I’m brought back to my original thought: what’s next? I don’t know. They say that knowledge is power, but knowledge without the answers you seek is just weight. Right now I’m carrying weight, hoping that I somehow find what I’m looking for as a werewolf and a person, but there is no quick fix. I’ll continue to try and shift. I’ll try to provide proof while I’m at it. But I won’t guarantee anything. I could share nothing if I really feel like it. It’s my decision.