all the first questions you may have
|Posted by Szayel on April 1, 2016 at 11:10 PM||comments (18)|
I P-shifted earlier this week. Usually, I would have jumped on here immediately due to the excitement of accomplishing another P-shift, (And I did it without ripping anyone's throat open. Yay.) but for some reason I didn't. I was excited, yes, but the shift also came with something unexpected. It came with weight. The weight of knowledge, I guess. Or, more specifically, the weight of OK, so now what do I do? Shifting was supposed to be the endgame. The accomplishment. Not the next footstep in an endlessly spiraling maze known as being a werewolf. So I managed a P-shift. Now what?
I guess I should go back to the actual shift itself. I was running. It was around 10 o’-clock in the morning. A bright day outside. There's a trail nearby my neighborhood that goes on for miles. Sometimes I go there at night and look up at the stars. That morning I was running though.
I was doing kind of a shitty job at it, too. Running, I mean. I hate running. It's not that I find it hard. It's just so boring to me. Unless I can listen to music while I run, I prefer to do anything else. But there is this 5-K run that's coming up in about a week, so I figured if I was going to get active again, I might as well start by running. So that's what I did.
I was running along the trail in the morning trying to improve my endurance. It was my second run since I started, and even though I felt like I was doing a shitty job, I knew that I had improved. I was running 6 miles (for some reason I had assumed that Kilometers were longer than miles) straight. I had my phone in my hand blasting out music because my fucking earbuds wouldn't stay in. I was on my way back home, struggling to keep my pace. I had just crossed a bridge that went over some train tracks, and as I descended down I was obscured by the trees around me. I was doing my best to maintain my pace, but I could barely breathe. My sweatpants were a little too big for me, and they kept sliding down, which was making it even harder to keep going. I was annoyed as I kept pulling them up, and it would throw my rhythm off. At that point, I just wanted to stop. I was going to hit the ground at any second, but I told myself that I would pushing myself until the next telephone pole and then walk the rest of the way home; it wasn't too far, about 30 yards away. I could manage just that.
I closed my eyes and focused on everything except my body. I could feel the air currents meshing, clashing, and circulating around me. I could smell the cherry blossoms and hear the crunch of car tires half a mile behind me. The world was alive, brimming with energy and power, and as my music played I felt something awaken deep within me.
I opened my eyes, running faster than I've ever run before. My pants had started to slip again, but I didn't care. I was beyond them—beyond all clothes. My shirt seemed to morph away from me as I increased in speed. I snarled, roared, and I felt my teeth getting sharp. My fingernails were rough. There was a brief, stabbing pain as one of my big toe pressed against the inside of my shoe. I couldn't see my eyes, but I knew they had to be a different color. A darker brown, perhaps.
I felt my body bending forward, steadily changing from a humanoid figure to that of a full-blown wolf. But before I could complete the shift, I stopped. I don’t know why. My speed decreased; my teeth retracted; my face relaxed. I slowed down. I immediately dropped to the ground and sat there, breathing heavily, as I waited for my heart to implode. To my surprise, I was only tired for only a second. It passed quickly, and I got up ready to start running again.
So I did. I was in complete shock. Only moments before my shift, I had been ready to die from exhaustion. How could I shift, run even faster than I'm able to when I'm not tired, and still not feel tired at all? There was a slight burning in my core like I had run half a mile instead of four. Other than that though, I felt fine. Some part of me deep down felt like I had tapped into that primal energy that warriors long before me had. The same energy that allowed them to rip beasts apart with their bare hands, bully Nature herself into submission, merge into the darkness, and petrify prey with just a glance. I felt invincible.
The excitement of it all was so overwhelming that the only thing I could think of was, "Text Arcover." I stopped jogging, texted her, and we talked about it for a little bit. When I finally started to calm down, a heavy weight settled in. I had shifted, but... what was next?
I started to get worried. My first thought was if someone had seen me. I looked around, even though I knew that I was alone and no one could have seen me. It was a relief until I realized that because no one had seen me I had no proof to back up my claim. I had shifted without recording myself or having an eyewitness to back it up. How was that an accomplishment?
And as I sit here now typing all this out, that weight still feels the same. I'm rubbing my temples, trying to figure out how to explain this. I guess what I mean to say is that being a werewolf is difficult. I can't tell other people who aren't "in" on all the supernatural stuff that I'm a werewolf. It's amazing how out of all the things people can believe in werewolves almost always invoke an attitude of skepticism. I can't say that I blame them, to be honest, but that doesn't make anything easier. When I tell people that I'm a werewolf the biggest question that comes to mind is, "So can you shift? Can you turn into a wolf or a monster?"
Yes. Yes I can. I know that for a fact. I just can't prove it—yet. But now that I've shifted for my 3rd (?) time, the bar is higher. I should have evidence, proof, or something on proving my P-shift, but it's just not that simple. Just because I've done it doesn't mean I have all the answers. And even if I did have all the answers, that doesn't mean I want to share them (even if I'm obligated to). Shifting is a vital part of being a werewolf, but the reason for that is because it's such an intimate and individual process.
When people ask me to prove that I'm a werewolf by shifting, I want to do that. It would make things so much easier. Yet, at the same time there’s this nature within me that sneers at the thought of me trying to appease to humans. Yes, I said that right. Humans. Because at the end of the day whether you believe me or not doesn’t change what I am. I am a werewolf. Why the fuck would I be concerned with what you think? I’m capable of things that would shatter your world. You are too—if you would open your eyes a little. That’s the truth.
And with that said, I’m brought back to my original thought: what’s next? I don’t know. They say that knowledge is power, but knowledge without the answers you seek is just weight. Right now I’m carrying weight, hoping that I somehow find what I’m looking for as a werewolf and a person, but there is no quick fix. I’ll continue to try and shift. I’ll try to provide proof while I’m at it. But I won’t guarantee anything. I could share nothing if I really feel like it. It’s my decision.
|Posted by Szayel on October 11, 2015 at 12:15 AM||comments (3)|
I hold a trash bag in my left hand. In my right is a garden tool for cutting weeds. I pause for a second, wiping the sweat from my forehead. It's well into dusk, and looking up a tree towers before me. It's covered with English Ivy vines that constrict it, thriving off its slow, painful demise. Scars run up the tree like lashes from a whip.
I put my headphones back on. Sounds pass through my ears, a variety of tempos, rhythms, and genres. Emotion fuels me. It reminds me to focus on the task at hand--cutting the vines--but it makes trying to avoid the thoughts that pester my mind much more difficult.
I cut, cut, cut. The vines are difficult. They refuse to leave the tree without a fight, tearing the bark off spitefully whenever I try to pry them away. They sneer at my futile attempts to do good. They laugh.
It's so hard.
Negative thoughts overcome me. They threaten to swallow me whole, and I can't help but let a moan of despair escape my lips. There's a physical pain that beats in my chest. It's real, tangible. It grabs me and forces me to my knees where I crumble and stare at the base of the tree. Ants march past, pausing now and then to watch my suffering with slight concern. Spiders rear back warily. The sun continues to fade into a deep, crimson red. Life goes on.
"What's the point?" I think. "Why am I here? Why am I trying to save this dumb tree?"
It seems impossible to me. There are English Ivies all over the state. I'm one out of the small group of people that volunteer temporarily to cut away this invasive species. I don't feel that we are absolved of the responsibility to clear the vines; settlers brought them over from England when they first came Maryland. I just feel that it's pointless. The vines will never be gone. There's too many of them and not enough of us. Why fight? Why care? Do our efforts even matter?
The vines play dirty. They strip the trees of their bark when pulled away; they sap you of your strength and leave hideous scars in the process. With each tree that I save I'm reminded of the dozens that I didn't. Or, with each tree that I think I save there's always the possibility that I didn't save shit and my efforts were useless.
"Why live?" I think. The thought comes from nowhere but somehow doesn't surprise me in the least. Of course it wouldn't take long for my nihilistic mood to tumble my thoughts about these damn weeds into a question of life and living. The question had never been far from my mind, I suppose.
"Why live?" It's not an easy question to answer. My immediate response is to say, "because I'm here! I'm existing. We're existing! Isn't that enough?"
It's not. Otherwise, I wouldn't be having these thoughts, now would I?
|Posted by Arcover on May 28, 2015 at 2:10 PM||comments (8)|
So I've mentioned that I'm a 'scouter' when it comes to going to new places and scoping out the supernatural environment there. I went out and lived in Colorado for 5 years during college because I thought going out there would help me find more supernaturals. Also Colorado is known for its wild wide open natural places, so I thought it would be a fruitful places to go.
Turns out Colorado wasn't fruitful for me. There aren't too many weres out there or vampires or anything for that matter. There are a few therian groups but that doesn't help. So Colorado was a bust. It seems like big cities and the coasts (either the east or the west coast) are the best places to find others.
The states are smaller on the east coast and allow for a huge mixing of people throughout most of the area. Also the east has weather that I like with all 4 seasons happening at regular times throughout the year and a nice amount of water flowing in natural areas. So after Colorado I've decided to stay east for a while. I've been looking at the north mostly and like I've mentioned before I'm really interested in the New England area. There are a lot of woods and natural areas up there, it's close to Canada for the most part, and there are still places up there where I can live a successful human life with a nice job in animation/electronic art.
One thing I've noticed about finding other weres is the I need to stop looking for other weres. I know it sounds weird but hear me out...
Looking for weres online won't work. You MAY find one or two weres but they won't be in your area. Looking for a were online is like looking for a were in real life just by walking around and searching. Unless you know what url to type in or where exactly to look you won't find a were in your area. The chances of you finding a were at all is slim.
So I've come up with a new plan: It's best that instead of searching for another were, search for people who are involved with other sects of the supernatural community that are more common than weres are. EVERYONE is more common than weres but the most common people within the supernatural community, I would say, are witches, wiccans, and therians. Depending on your area there may be a large group of vampires near you...but for the most part witches, wiccans, and therians are the most common people you can find in your everyday life that are still involved in the supernatural community.
By finding those groups you can make a network of supernatural friends that stretches over a larger area than if you just made friends with the occasional were or shifter online. Within that group of witches or therians or whatever there will probably be one who knows a wolf or someone else in the area who identifies as an animal and from there if there are other weres or shifters in the area you are on the right track towards finding them.
The reason finding other supernaturals is so important is not just because some of us may be social creatures by nature. But we need that kind of energy around us to spark a shift. Being surrounded by everyday humans doing mundane activities is why so many of us haven't shifted yet. It's not that we don't have the ability. We've had the ability all our lives. But the atmospheres we are made to live in aren't suited for wild animals. Humans and wild animals cannot live in the same space, that's why humans civilize the land and put up fences and use weed killer. They primp and cultivate human supremacy over the natural world and by doing that they smother our wild nature. But finding other supernaturals, even those that aren't weres, can awaken that in us again.
It's all about energy. Being surrounded by those that have a supernatural energy makes our supernatural energy spark. They can sense it in us just like we can sense it in them and just having someone else recognize our animal energy is enough to validate who we are and awaken our inner beast. Sometimes it helps to have others to validate who and what you are, otherwise we spend our days never talking out loud about our identity and pushing it down in order to seem 'normal'.
So the scouting continues. DC is turning out to be better than Fort Collins,CO because it's got a large number of people, but still it's not ideal. Supernatural people seem to trive in places that either have a community for holistic living or have a dark underground supernatural history. Fort Collins had a community that centered around holistic living so it had a few witches and wiccans living in it. Places like New York City and New Orleans have a supernatural culture because historically those places have always had underground subcultures.
I was on the fence for a long time about whether I wanted to move to NYC but it seems like now I'll probably be going there next. Simply because that's the next best place to find supernaturals outside of the online community. I'll probably visit NYC a few times to get a really good understanding of it before I move there but that's probably my next stop. It's close enough to home, I'll find a job there, and there are supernaturals. I just worry about being a werelion surrounded by so many people...but there are places in and around NYC that have natural areas and can support a were. Along with NYC, Boston was another choice I was looking into so we'll see how that goes.
If all else fails I'm an adult in her 20's, if I want to move again I can just move to another state and get another apartment and another job. That's what young people do right? It's not like I have a house with a mortgage or kids or anything like that to keep me in one place. So even though I have my reservations about NYC I'll go there. As a city girl I enjoy NYC and I know at some point in my life I'll live there anyway, and as a were I'll figure it out and make it work. I'm sure I won't be the only supernatural person there trying to make a living in NYC.
|Posted by Arcover on December 19, 2014 at 12:35 AM||comments (7)|
Spending time with my pride has really helped me over the past few months since we came together. I don't quite remember when we formed our merry band but it was sometime earlier this year, and we're not a physical pride but there's still something personal about our friendship. I didn't know cats could work so well together, even though all of us are so diverse and mostly solitary in nature. It's like we belong together like this. Like when young adult humans come together in close groups, but we're all werecats.
Being with the others gives me perspective. We weres spend so much time online that we can become separated from who we are in real life. The people we are when we type away at each other and talk about shifting and supernatural things...sometime those people aren't who we really are. We become someone different when we spend too much time online. Our perspective changes. Things that aren't important take up all our time. We aren't the same. We split ourselves between the humans we are when we're off line and the were-beasts we are when we're online. It almost creates a false reality for us by separating the two halves of us like that. But skyping with the pride is different. When we come together we are both weres and normal people at the same time. Mostly we're just a bunch of goofball kids. We weres act different when we have to see each other face to face. The person on the other end gets to see your face and hear you talk. They see how 'normal' you look, they hear your cadence when you speak and you become real to them. And in becoming real to them you become real to yourself. Your were-self isn't some alias on the internet anymore it's all you. The person on the other end can see you as a human and as a were now, there is no separating the two... and the more of you hang out together the more you realize that you all really are just a bunch of young hooligans haha. A bunch of kids with great potential and great power, but still a group of teens/young adults who probably prefer playing and goofing off over most other things. Which is where we should be since that's what young adult animals tend to do in the wild. Adult in body. Child at heart.
I've realized that I am a pokemon playing, sketchbook toting, sleep lovig, big-dreams-having young adult, first. Whether I'm a lion young adult or a human young adult doesn't matter, I'm a young adult on all fronts. And I'm an apex predator second. Online we like to think of ourselves as these big powerful animals that can crush puny mortals, which we are, but that isn't who we are. It's just apart of what we are. 'Who' comes first. For some reason I knew that already but experiencing it feels different. Like an epiphany, where something that previously seemed insignificant has become vital. Shifting comes easier for me now that I've spent more time with the pride. I'm learning to be who I am in front of others like me and that somehow allows what I am to come through more clearly. Having a group of others who I know and talk to face to face helps my frame of mind. And right now, despite how much I can feel like a bad ass winter lion descended from royalty and entitled to all that I survey, I'm still just a kid trying to learn to be an adult. And I'm ok with that.
|Posted by Szayel on September 13, 2014 at 10:55 PM||comments (19)|
As usual, I haven't wrote a new blog entry in forever. I've been going through some tough stuff lately, and when you couple that with AP courses it's hard to take what I want to say and gather the time to put it all into a blog.
But I'm here now, and I'm writing, so let's just jump into it. The first thing I want to address is the whole new controversy on a "shifting age." People have been going around claiming that there is a certain age a person has to be before he/she can handle the "toll" of shifting, and it's got a lot of people worried that they're going to die if they attempt to shift too early.
I would like to say here and now that nobody is going to die from attempting to shift at a young age. I just turned 17, and I've already shifted several times in my life without dying. Does that mean that shifting comes without risks? Of course not. All of my shifts were pretty dangerous and unstable, so in that sense I guess there is the possibility of death. I wouldn't say that shifting too young is going to kill you though; shifting is what weres are meant to do, and the earlier it's started the better. Putting senseless fear into younger weres doesn't help anybody.
The next thing I would like to address is less factual and more courtesy-wise. A lot of people new to the supernatural community tend to ask werewolves or even vampires if we would turn them. While I understand that not being human anymore seems alluring (and let's be honest, it is. There's a reason the superantural is called the supernatural), constantly pestering us with demands to be turned gets annoying. From our perspective, why would we travel across the country to bite some (most likely) underage stranger? If you really want to meet a werewolf or vampire for that kind of purpose, you're going to have to shut off your computer and do some late night treking. I'm not liable for whatever happens, but as a werewolf myself I can gaurantee you that you'll make the most progress finding someone to bite you offline. I'm a creature of the night. And if you're lucky enough-- or unlucky-- maybe we'll cross paths. Stop expecting everything to be laid in your lap via the courtesy of the internet.
The last thing I'm going to mention is actually directed towards weres. It's pretty simple: stop limiting yourselves. Instead of always asking questions, just go out and try to shift more. If something hinders your shifting then just take note of it and experiment. Stop expecting every other werewolf to have answers for something that should already be deeply personal. I see a lot of people trying to push these limitations such as the previously mention "shifting age" and other things such as how big a shifter can get. It's almost pointless. Shifting already defies science, so when it comes to progressing at it, why limit yourself? I think this problem actually stems from werewolf communities. If you have, let's say 50 people who have shifted using only a specific method of shifting and that's all they know, then of course it's going to seem like that's the only sure-fire way to shift.
But think of it this way. Let's say there are a million shifters on the world (bear with me). If only 50 of them shift a certain way, is that really the defining method for shifting? Of course not. It just seems like it because the werewolf community is so.... fragmented. That's why when people ask me things about werewolfism now I kinda hesitate before responding. Granted, certain things about werewolfism are pretty black and white, but like I said there's simply so much that isn't known. Before you sit back and call someone a poser, think about that.
Anyway's, that's it. I hope this helped.
|Posted by Star 2.0 on August 15, 2014 at 4:20 PM||comments (7)|
|Posted by Arcover on July 2, 2014 at 7:20 PM||comments (2)|
Very recently I've been trying to accept my new role as "werelion". I suppose the term "chimera" or "mutt" still applies to what I am but when I think of it it's easier to call myself a werelion. I am a werelion.
Let me explain... I haven't really called myself a "werewolf" in years but it took me a while to understand why I would feel a wolf-ish connection. I am a pack creature. I do act like a bear sometimes. These things are true and my nature does match with the natures of those animals on a minute scale. But I am a lioness. I've always been one and I've known about my connection to felines for a while.
I am a lioness but there is something about wereism that makes me not normal like the usual lion shifter. I am a lion that looks a little different and acts a little different. I have a pack like nature that doesn't 100% coincide with the pride-nature lions have. It's like I have a sort of taint in me that alters me. Weres tend to be darker creatures than other animal people anyway. We prey on all types of energy including blood and life energies as well as meat. We have a bloodlust and a huge amount of energy at our disposal that makes us uniquely "were". We thrive and feed on energy from other creatures and sex and violence. These traits aren't exactly things that animals experience in the wild and that is what can makes us different from the usual animal shifter. We're just darker creatures deep down ( though many young weres take time to unlock that part of their nature).
I think my "taint" is what makes me different. It's just what I am. I am a were. So I am a lion but an altered lion. Just like The Wolfman is a wolf but an altered wolf. Watch the movies, he doesn't shift to look just like a wolf and he has a drive to do things that don't come natural to wolves in the wild. It's the human factor that does it I think, or maybe something older, I don't know. Whatever it is it just adds depth to the creature in question...
So there, I am a werelion. But when you think of me don't think of a normal lioness in the wild. I am a creature. A lion-beast. And even more interesting is that I'm a white-werelion that like snow. Just like the American Lions of prehistoric times. As if I couldn't be any more unusual... So there it is. Werelion. Good stuff.
|Posted by Star 2.0 on May 9, 2014 at 5:30 PM||comments (10)|
So I was looking around the a philosophy forum to find a cool topic, and found this:
"Is it better to be a live coward or a dead hero?"
Here is what They think:
"One can pointlessly face danger so one can be or seem tough or brave. (I call that self-destructive pseudo-toughness.) But that's not generally what is meant by heroism. Similarly, choosing not to face danger when facing the danger is more harmful than not is generally not what is meant by cowardice. I think cowardice generally refers to people who make harmful decisions out of fear. Heroes are generally people like firefighters who overcome their natural fear of fire when they can see it is worth the risk. Of course, we are more prone to use the word heroism when we feel the brave decision is especially compassionate. We are more prone to use the word cowardice when the fearful decision is especially selfish.
Anyway, regarding my own personal values, I generally prefer to stay alive. Of course, I would choose to die or risk dying if doing it would have results that I want more than choosing to live. For example, if I saw an innocent 3-year-old girl playing in the street about to be hit by a car, and for the sake of simplicity let's say I know that either I have to let her die or kill myself to save her, of course I would choose to save her. Who wouldn't?"
| -Scott... From some forum
What do you think? Is it better to live as a coward or die as a hero?
I would like think that I would give my life for any innocent individual. But when push comes to shove... Would I really be able to?
It takes a special kind of person to be a martyr.
What do you guys think? Live a Coward, or die a Heros death?
|Posted by Star 2.0 on May 2, 2014 at 11:05 AM||comments (2)|
So I was looking on the internets for a neat topic for this Friday, and I came accross this
Why is there all this stuff in the universe, and why is it governed by such exquisitely precise laws?
And why should anything exist at all?
We inhabit a universe with such things as spiral galaxies, the aurora borealis, and SpongeBob Squarepants.
And as Sean Carroll notes,
"Nothing about modern physics explains why we have these laws rather than some totally different laws, although physicists sometimes talk that way — a mistake they might be able to avoid if they took philosophers more seriously."
And as for the philosophers, the best that they can come up with is the anthropic principle — the notion that our particular universe appears the way it does by virtue of our presence as observers within it — a suggestion that has an uncomfortably tautological ring to it.
Does this mean that the universe's entire existance only matter because it was able to create beings to think about itself? And what if we never existed. What if sentience didn't exist. What would the point of the universe be?
Then why do we exist at all? Simply to bring justification to the existance if the universe?
|Posted by Star 2.0 on April 25, 2014 at 12:35 PM||comments (12)|
I decided to bring this back! I used to do this a year ago.
So, let me make you think. Please discuss your opinion Intelligently In the comments!
So here we go:
1. SHOULD WE KILL HEALTHY PEOPLE FOR THEIR ORGANS?
Suppose Bill is a healthy man without family or loved ones. Would it be ok painlessly to kill him if his organs would save five people, one of whom needs a heart, another a kidney, and so on? If not, why not?
Consider another case: you and six others are kidnapped, and the kidnapper somehow persuades you that if you shoot dead one of the other hostages, he will set the remaining five free, whereas if you do not, he will shoot all six. (Either way, he'll release you.)
If in this case you should kill one to save five, why not in the previous, organs case? If in this case too you have qualms, consider yet another: you're in the cab of a runaway tram and see five people tied to the track ahead. You have the option of sending the tram on to the track forking off to the left, on which only one person is tied. Surely you should send the tram left, killing one to save five.
But then why not kill Bill?
New ones every Friday~